The Perfect Cocktail Party (without the cocktails).

College is a cocktail party, and as student leaders, we are cocktail party hosts, responsible for making sure that everyone is chatting pleasantly and ending the evening with hugs, kisses, and memories of people's first names. But to make this happen, throwing a party and inviting a bunch of people is not enough. Neither are cocktails.

The expert host knows how to set up self-sustaining conversations with everyone at the party. This means making the introduction, subtly suggesting a discussion topic, then sneaking away only to return occasionally with some light hores d'oeuvres to sustain the appetite.

The trick I like to use most for setting up a connection between strangers is an oldie but a goodie, and the ingredients are simple: pick a shared interest between two strangers and say something like, "Hey X, Y also likes hitchhiking!" Sparks tend to fly naturally then, particularly if you manage to find a connection point that is niche enough (so not all people can bond over it) and expandable enough (so that it can turn into a conversation rather than awkward smiles and nods).

If I can't think of a link or if my link proves too shallow (e.g. "Oh, so you also like chocolate ice cream, huh?"), I use plan B, which is to pose some sort of thought provoking or explanation requiring question, and often answer it myself first--though not conclusively--to get the conversation going.

Of course, all of this well-intentioned manipulation has to happen smoothly, with no trace of the artificial or effortful, and the host must never walk away until it's clear that a connection has been established. But once it's there, who knows what can happen? Lives can change, opportunities can open, and the party can be one heck of a night out.

Comments

[Ryan P.]

But were you always "good" as the cocktail host? I mean I see some student leader who just...well...suck at being a cool cat in public. I mean they scare people away.

So can this idea be taught? If so, how long does it take? Or should we keep this kind of leaders out of sight working on something else? Just some morning thoughts. Thanks!

[Kevin Prentiss]

Two competing ideas:

People can change / learn new ways of doing.

and

Focus on your strengths.

In my own life, I wanted to do things that required me to change. I wanted it bad enough to continually practice what I was challenged by and I got okay at it. Specifically, that was being a network - not being so socially introspective - much as tania describes the host.

It took awhile, but I'm ok at it now.

I think it's just being honest with yourself about how much work you are willing to put in - and whether or not the skill is "nice" or "must have".

My default is still often shy, but I changed enough because it was a "must have."

[Tania]

I agree with what Kevin wrote and completely empathize. If I wanted to be totally comfortable, I'd be hiding in the coat check. I am by no means an expert shmoozer.
That being said, connecting people to each other has always been easier for me than connecting myself--and it may be a great skill to develop for someone who is naturally on the introverted side (like me). I get uncomfortable talking about myself, but telling two people about each other leaves me out of the spotlight while still on stage.
So to comment on your question, Ryan, I'd say that in the world of connecting people there are many areas of specialization (e.g. getting people hyped up, planning seating arrangements, making introductions, drawing out the shy people, etc.) What has worked for me is picking my strength and developing it. I don't think change is impossible, but I do think growth is much easier.